SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
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Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Cake!!
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it