[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
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My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat