Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
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*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Did a trash talking tree write this?
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”