Sombrero is better than nobrero.
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ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
#dalle2
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.