Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
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I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
a god among men
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT