Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..

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This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.


Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.


My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]


*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.


Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.


Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.


Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)


I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.


All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand