Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
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[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
what
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…