Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
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Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There鈥檚 a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they鈥檙e storming the bedroo-
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I鈥檓 headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
*pronounces surface like Versace*
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
ME: Who鈥檚 haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Children of the corn 馃尳
oh you wanna fight?!
If you鈥檙e ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you鈥檒l know which way space is.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it鈥檚 too late to start watching anything.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can鈥檛 find the lowercase numbers!