some cats are just doing for fun!
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Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.