Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
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Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
“Sheer Arrogance”
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I won’t bore you with my problems. Because all of my problems are fascinating.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.