Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.

Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.

Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

[first day as a flight attendant]

Pilot: tell them we’re descending

Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN

Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic

Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*

“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”

If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.

My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks

6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.

Me: What do you have to spell?

6: Words, probably.

mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife

A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time