Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
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*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.