Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
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I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
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Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.