Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
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This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
My patronus is a cheeseburger
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
This was my dad’s browser history.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups