Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
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i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
🙄😏😂🤣
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.