Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
I have written yet another poem about laundry
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not