Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
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Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
For when Tinder doesn’t work
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.