Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
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“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.