some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
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Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.