Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
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“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect