Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
You Might Also Like
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX