Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
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Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want