some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
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Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
Monday
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
just left a huge legacy in there
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds