Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
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Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
the official breakfast of 2021
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
rise and shine we got egg
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too