SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
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Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
🏙👨🏼
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?