Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

911: what room is the body in

me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird

To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

Bruh 😭😭😭😭

Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.

Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.

My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.

when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

It’s not a real relationship if it only exists when it’s convenient for you. I deserve better.

Cat: *knocks my drink off table*

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

The next wave of scammers will have old people call you

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

just got on my email and unsubscribed from a bakery that i bought a cake from 3 years ago. after unsubscribing they sent another email saying ‘are you sure a friend didn’t unsubscribe you by mistake’? how often is that situation happening.

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day

I’m giving up for Lent.

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.

ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

ME: you haven’t even hired me yet

INTERVIEWER: you’re fired

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.

Me: Throws holy water in her face.

*Neighbor melts

Me: Not today Satan.

[etched on my tombstone]

THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW

You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…

Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.