@ElgatoEsmio

SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!

You Might Also Like

@rachelle_mandik

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

@ArfMeasures

ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?

HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops

@tchrquotes

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

@rockymomax

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

@NewDadNotes

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

@kimtopher22

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?

Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?

4: No reason.

@ruraljules

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

@QwertyJones3

The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.

@ADHDeanASL

How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485