Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
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Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.