@BruceForce

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

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@zachary_lampley

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

@Seanzkelly

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

@AndyAsAdjective

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

@AnkCoupleTO

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

@markydoodoo

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

@DaddyJew

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

@krisv_723

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.

@OtherDanOBrien

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

@PinkCamoTO

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

@BobTheSuit

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.