Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0. - @BruceForce

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

(Business)

Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.

Bob: I have a better idea.

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.

*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.

*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

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