Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
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Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life