Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

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What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?


“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.


So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.


*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*


My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags


If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.


Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.


Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips


Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.


When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver