Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
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her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
greetings!
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.