@BonaFideIntent

Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.

*wipes prints off microwave handle*

You Might Also Like

@GingerHotDish

What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?

@TravLeBlanc

“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.

@pmclellan

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

@KyleMcDowell86

*puts stethoscope up to chest*

Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen

“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”

*Im in the bushes giggling*

@maryfairybobrry

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

@swiftenhaal

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

@DadSetAgainst

Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.

Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”

Me: No.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips

@JesseW316

Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.

@WilliamRodgers

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver