Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
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homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.