Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
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Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.