Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
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My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough