some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
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Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?