Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
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netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
New mindset, who dis?
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses