Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
You Might Also Like
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
This could’ve been an email.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.