Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

You Might Also Like


I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.


I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.


Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.


I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife


JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly


Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.


I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.


Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??


Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”