Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
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Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?