@Kadayo_Takamini

Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.

If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.

Ugliness is universal.

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@UncleDuke1969

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

@FattMernandez

I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.

@DurtMcHurtt

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

@OfficeofSteve

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

@mrjohndarby

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

@Fickle_Filly

Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.

@Clanopath

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

@karanbirtinna

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

@bewgtweets

Me: whaddu mean “no”

Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”