Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
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Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.