some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
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Candles never taste the way they smell
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.