Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
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If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”