Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean

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Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it


Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”


Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.


In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint


I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together


All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.


They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.


At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.


Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.


If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.