@reallifemommy3

Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean

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@SortaBad

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

@ConanOBrien

Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”

@HatfieldAnne

Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.

@amelialikesyou

In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint

@DreamsSarcastic

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

@kzam92

All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.

@BrettDruck

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

@suzieQ0007

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

@nekolot

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

@swiftenhaal

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.