Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
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If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots