Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
You Might Also Like
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Shortcut
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.