@CandyEmpires
@wildrainbow2 Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
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@wildrainbow2 
@STOTLE If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
@desi_princess I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
@Carbosly Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
@urgeekisshowing I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
@UncleDuke1969 Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
@MmmmmChris i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
@Andysimpson74 Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
@ceejoyner Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
@TitaniumToplass Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that