Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
You sure about that?
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
October already? What’s next? November????
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.