Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

I will do some shady shit for a mocha.

Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!

I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.

I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.

If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen

SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment

ME: what if it’s sent by ship

SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo

“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.

fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired

I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.

A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”

WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.

Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.

Love this guy

My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?

Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.

Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!

My dad:

me: wanna do something fun?

her: already have plans

me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

me: *holding bowling ball*

friend: going bowling?

me: nope— playing enormous marbles

“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago