Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
translated into Canadian
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami