Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
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I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that