@CandyEmpires

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

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@wildrainbow2

Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.

5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.

@STOTLE

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

@desi_princess

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

@Carbosly

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

@urgeekisshowing

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

@UncleDuke1969

Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.

@MmmmmChris

i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly

@Andysimpson74

Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.

@ceejoyner

Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.

@TitaniumToplass

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that