Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
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Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared