Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
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me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.