Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
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Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango