SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
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ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.