Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
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Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
notice
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
spicy snake
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.