Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
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The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
he’s doing your taxes
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?