me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
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What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”