Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
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Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.