Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
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This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
Discuss
I think the cat got the dog high.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.