Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
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When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!